It's been forever since I last posted and there are a number of things to add.

I ran the City to Bay in September.  I was aiming to finish the 12 km in 72 minutes but didn't make it, getting in at 74 minutes instead.  That was my best time, so I was still happy.  Dave did the run too and struggled a bit since he'd only arrived back from the UK a few days earlier.

In November I had another blood test to check the reproductive hormones.  I also had my regular checkup blood test and went to see Dr Giri. As usual, I waited for around half an hour before my five minute appointment.  I got the all clear lymphoma-wise and then Dr Giri said the hormone results indicated that my ovaries have failed and therefore I need a course of action as if I were a lady in my 50s.  He wrote out a special little Royal Adelaide Hospital card to handball me on to the Women's Health Centre.

On Monday this week my appointment at the Women's Health Centre arrived.  Once again I waited for about half an hour before being ushered into the doctor's room.  He didn't really know why I was there and although he had my file, which I felt was quite organised for the hospital, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do for me.  I replied that I didn't know either, I'd just been sent from haematology because my ovaries weren't working after chemo.  He said my chances of having any more children is zero and eventually wrote out a prescription for hormone replacement therapy.  I am hoping it doesn't take too long for things to get sorted out once I start taking the tablets because it'd be nice to be free of hot flushes and other pesky symptoms.

That's about all as far as a health update goes.  In other news, I have been able to get my other blog printed in a book and it arrived today.  I'm glad to have it in hard copy.  I'm not quite sure why really, because it's a bit weird to have a book to remind me of what wasn't a particularly pleasant time. 

Antihistamines and September

I went to see the GP and she said that it was a bit early to say for sure, from one blood test, that I had ovarian failure. She told me to wait a couple of months and then have another blood test, so in October I'll have the test again and we shall see what comes back.

In the meantime, I have to put up with hot flushes, although they have reduced a bit. I asked the doctor about my itchy eyes while I was there and she thought they were due to allergies and told me to get some antihistamines. I dutifully went to the chemist and purchased some antihistamine nasal spray. It seems to have done the trick.

September is another important month of anniversaries. It was Father's Day in 2009 when I first felt the lump in my neck. It's a bit crazy for me to think that was two years ago already. The City to Bay falls in September - in 2009 I ran it with lymphoma, in 2010 I ran it after chemo and this year I will be running it in better condition than the past couple of years. I hope my time is better than those two because I'll be fairly disappointed if I can't stumble across the line faster in good health. Although I am a menopausal nanna at the moment so that may lead to another slow time.

It was also September last year when I went into hospital for the surgeon to have a little look inside my chest and take a sample. It was the Thursday after the City to Bay when I spoke to Dr Giri on the way home from the hospital and he said the lab analysis was clear and I was in remission. I might think of a special way to celebrate that on Thursday week.

Obla-di obla-da life goes on...

The results of my blood test are consistent with ovarian failure. The chemo has screwed them up. So that means I'm experiencing early menopause. It's not nice. I don't have too many horrid symptoms but the hot flushes are pretty crap. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow to find out a bit more and see what, if anything, can be done.

I haven't really been thinking about it too much, but when I do pause to reflect I (as is often the case) am divided. On one hand, I don't mind. I have two children, I have reproduced. The ovaries have served their purpose. Their demise is just another part of the strange land of lymphoma I never planned to live in. On the other, however, I mourn the loss of those tiny kidney shaped organs. There was a possibility we may have attempted a third child but that is no longer an option. My body is letting me down again and it's sad and annoying.

I have read some forums and reports of people who go through a period of ovarian failure but then they somehow right themselves and start to function again. It's early days, so we shall see what happens in my case.

Other than that, I intend to run the corporate cup tomorrow. The last corporate cup run I remember doing was mid September 2009 and I had a wonky turn after it - it was an indication that all was not well and I went to the doctors. I'm not sure if I did any more corporate cup runs after that, it's all a bit of a blur. Six weeks later I was diagnosed.

Anyway, life does indeed go on.

Hot flushes

I've been to see Dr Giri again for yet another check-up. I should just get used to it because they're not going to end anytime soon.

My blood test was all clear and normal, so that was nice. I did have something to ask him about though....I've been having hot flushes and wondered what it might be. He told me that it may be due to ovarian failure causing early onset menopause. Excellent. I did know that there was a chance that may happen but hadn't thought much about it. I definitely hadn't thought of actually experiencing hot flushes. I've had nanna-ish tendencies for a long time and this may be just another example of how that plays out physically.

Dr Giri sent me off to get a blood test and I'm waiting to find out what the result shows. I don't think I'm too fussed, I just would like to know what's going on. I would like to not have hot flushes though, because they are pretty annoying.

I don't think about my treatment much but when I was heading up to level 7 of the east wing the other day I realised how familiar and habitual it felt. I had to go up there a lot and it's not good to have to go into a hospital that much, unless you work there. Even though things have moved along and life has mostly found a new normal, that time and its wider repercussions still hang close to me.

Other than health issues, things have been trundling along in our household. It was my birthday yesterday and I had a lovely day. We enjoyed a tasty family brunchy/lunchy deliciousness and then then girls stayed overnight with Dave's sister while we went to the cinema, had dinner together, slept without interruption and had a peaceful breakfast.

The verdict

It's been a long time coming but the latest news is that the 'most likely' from the last post was spot on.

I saw Dr Giri on June 3rd and he told me the scan came back with everything the same size and my blood results were 'perfect'. I was quite relieved. The next scan is in a year's time but I'll have a blood test and see the doctor in a couple of months.

Generally I feel well and mostly have enough energy. I still occasionally get days of fatigue but it is not as bad now. Whereas before I could hardly get off the couch on the worst days, now I can function through the day but it's really hard work to just do the basics such as get breakfast ready.

Most things in my body are back to the way they were. My weight has just snuck under 70kgs, a few armpit hairs have returned and the only thing that's still a bit strange are my eyes which sting and are itchy more than they used to be.

I have started training for the City to Bay and hope to finish the 12k run in 72 minutes this year, we'll see how it goes because I'm not sure I'll be able to haul myself out of bed for training when it's so cold.

I'm cooking for a uni conference next week and am looking forward to a few days away busting my guts in a kitchen for a change. Other than that, our family has been pretty busy and we just try to keep our heads above water.

What's the worst that could happen?

I had a CT scan on Sunday and is commonly the case, I have been in two minds about the whole thing.

On the one hand, I am fine about having a scan. I don't mind drinking the barium solution anymore, I know what's going to happen in the test and it doesn't worry me. Half the time I am also not too worried about the outcome of the scan. Whatever is going on in there, I can't do anything to change it, so I'm not stressing about it.

But.....I am very aware of every little niggle and twinge I feel inside, wondering if it's something normal or something sinister. These thoughts serve a purpose because if Dr Giri gives me some less than favourable news, I will be partly prepared. Even with these occasional thoughts, I am not freaking out. I am not letting myself get carried away by the worry.

As my psychologist once asked me about worries - "What's the worst that could happen?"

Ummm, I could die a long and painful death. The long and painful part would be crap, but is not insurmountable and the death would be sad but heaven would make it all okay. I'm not keen for things to go this way, but I'm preparing myself just in case.

The rest of the exercise is "What's the best that could happen?" followed by "What's most likely?"

The best would be that Dr Giri says with 100% certainty that I'll never get anything related to lymphoma for the rest of my life and that I never have to have another scan or visit him. Not that I don't like Dr Giri, but if I never had to have another appointment again, I wouldn't miss him.

Most likely - there's no change and everything is okay and I'll just have to revisit it all again in another three months.

And with that, the worry is supposed to be dealt with and not cause any further distress......

Happy anniversary!

I have been struggling to get to post a blog, but also struggling to think of things that are worth putting in. A friend of mine summed it up well by telling me it's not as interesting as the other blog because I'm not dying anymore. There is definitely an element of that. I also don't have as much to record for myself so it just doesn't get done. Another significant factor is that I spend much less time zonked on the couch these days, which is good news.

There have been a couple of milestones lately though which are worth recording. On May 4th I celebrated the one year anniversary of my last IV treatment. To mark the occasion Dave and I had Lemon Delicious for dessert, something we had a bit too much of during treatment days. It was extra special because it was made with the first lemon from our tree. Still as tasty as ever. On May 10th it was the one year anniversary of my last pills. So it's been a full year since I finished treatment. I am feeling pretty good. I rarely have days where I struggle with fatigue now and when I do it is a bit easier to push through and keep up with normal activities.

I am scheduled to have a CT scan on 22nd May and then see Dr Giri in early June. I'm not nervous about it. I can't change whatever the result is so I'll just wait and see. I do hope that they find nothing untoward but if there is something I'll just take it as it comes.

I've been spending time at OzWater conference this week. It's an annual conference organised by the Australian Water Association. I learnt quite a bit, ate some good food, caught up with a few people, got a couple of free pens. It's all a bit crazy though and I'm not entirely sure where I fit in this industry/profession of mine. There were people in suits everywhere and people talking on mobile phones everywhere. I'm fairly sure I don't care enough to dress-up everyday and spend ages on my mobile as if things will fall apart without me. I enjoyed the conference and I always enjoy learning things and listening to presentations but I don't think the high-flying corporate world is for me.

Tomorrow I will be remembering and farewelling a man who taught me a great deal. It's my Grandad's funeral in the afternoon - he died on Saturday after struggling with his failing health for quite a while. It's extra sad for me because he was my last grandparent. There was a time when one of my greatest fears was for one of them to die and now all four are no longer with us.

I looked up the notice about Grandad in the paper and near it there was almost a whole column taken up for a girl who had died and she was 19. I'm fairly sure it said she had lymphoma. I didn't dwell on it for long but I did have the thought that I was glad my name was not in there yet. But I was sad for her family because it's really crap when someone dies.

Weekly?

My resolve to attempt to post once a week was evidently weak as it is nearing the end of April and this is only my second post. My most recent excuse could be that I have been away camping over Easter and so did not have access to technology however that would be a lie because there were a number of internet enabled phones and computers that I could have used during our time away.

It is probably better that I didn't post anything during 'The Village Easter Camping Trip' because I think it is probably wise of me to let time do some healing. Not that it was too traumatic, but it's best to have a few moments to reflect on the days passed before they're mentioned here.

Other than the camping trip, my time has been consumed by normal life activities. A few days at work, a few at home, a 60th birthday dinner, a 60th birthday party, school open day, a 2nd birthday party, a quiz night (we came 2nd), lunch with friends, preparing for camping and there goes a few weeks.

I have been thinking about this blog and why it seems different from the initial one. The focus is different because I no longer have treatment but I didn't think that would change it as much as it has. I haven't had as much time to observe random strangers so there aren't as many tales of interesting people crossing my path. I have also picked up the general pace of life, in comparison to last year and that squeezes out time for thinking and writing. The focus of my health is no longer there and that means I need to think harder about what to write and how to avoid dribbling rubbish into the ether of the internet.

12th April and all's well

I got some mail the other day from the Leukaemia Foundation and one of the items was the 'Lymphoma news' or whatever it's called. It had a few stories of patients, some new research, news about events etc. I read it all and I did start thinking again about whether or not to get more involved with the foundation. I think I have decided not to add it to my list of things to pursue. I want to keep getting the info in the mail and I'll still go along to a few things here or there, but I don't want to get much more involved.

Things have been going fairly well with the Macs of Gawler. Maesie has almost finished her first term of school and at parent teacher interviews this afternoon, her teacher had no concerns to tell us about. Maesie has been going very well and now tries to read whatever she can see on signs, boxes, posters and buildings. Elsie remains small and pixie-like. She likes running and jumping, playing with 'her babies', 'writing' and singing. She is hardly quiet when she's with people she's comfortable with but when there's someone different she hardly says a peep. She will be three in a couple of months so she is practicing being bossy and throwing tantrums.

Dave has had quite a good term. His days as Chaplain have been enjoyable and he's done a number of good talks that the kids have enjoyed, remembered and been challenged by. He has settled in well at a new campus and has liked interacting with some younger kids, not just senior school. We've been going to the Parish of Gawler and although it's been different, it's just another group of God's people and so in that way, not much has changed.

The seasons are changing and I should be planting my snow peas soon, and any other random seeds that are supposed to be planted now. I hope I haven't missed my chance. The chickens are free through that part of the yard though at the moment so they will scratch up anything I put in. We need to rig up some sort of protection but that could take ages. Maybe I won't have any veg this time..... I have crazy beans at the moment. They are purple but when you cook them, they turn green! Amazing.

There's nothing to report on the health front - all fine.

Farewell 5 kgs

I've been busy again so haven't had time to pause and note anything here. I see that this will only just scrape in for March and bump the contributions for that month to three. I'll try again for once a week in April.

I realised the other day that I haven't made mention of my weight-loss efforts and how that was going. I did end up going to see an exercise physiologist (I may have already mentioned that??) and he gave me some exercises to do and a bit of a plan. I have done the exercises as best I could over the last few weeks but I could never fit them all in every time. The exercises themselves weren't amazing ones that I'd never seen before, he just picked ones to target different muscles. I should go back and see him soon.

For the past couple of months then, I have been doing one or two weights sessions with cardio at the start and in between to keep my heart rate up while doing the other exercises. I only do about an hour a time. I've also been doing one or two classes a week (Step, RPM, Balance) and usually another half hour run or hour walk. As well as that, I have been eating less carbs at dinner time. It has all resulted in a current weight of approximately 70 kg. I'm quite keen to cross the line and have a mass that starts with a 6 but who knows when that will happen. It has taken me a year to lose 5 kg and it's been slow and hard. I don't know how much of that is due to chemo, steroids, still recovering or my already pathetic metabolism but in any case I am glad to have made some progress.

In other matters, my energy is still a bit touch and go but it has been fairly good for the last week. I'm sure I could help myself by going to bed at a decent hour and getting up at the same time everyday but I always end up staying up too late doing bits and pieces. I did survive cooking for a camp on the weekend, which is encouraging. It was a lot of work and I was pretty exhausted but I just took it easy on Monday and I think I'll be okay.

Keep left unless overtaking

Yesterday was Maesie's fifth birthday. As I walked to catch the train home I realised that she's been with us for five years and that means it's been five years since we irreversibly traversed the line into parenthood. That our lives have changed forever since the arrival of that first small offspring. I recalled that she was born at about 10 past 1 in the morning and found it an interesting coincidence that she called out and I got up to her around that same time yesterday. Both girls woke us a number of times that night actually, so we got about as much rest as we had five years ago.

Other than pondering the birthday, I also popped into Target on my way to the train to get a present for Maesie. It wasn't her only present, I'm not that slack, but it was a little additional gift in the light of what had been received from others on Sunday. I made my choice quickly and stood in line for a checkout. When it was my turn I was met by someone who a) had tolerated a difficult day, b) had not done the recommended customer service training, c) didn't want to be there, d) hated her life or e) all of the above. She didn't look at me, didn't utter a word. Scanned my item, scanned my FlyBuys and gave me my receipt at the end. The only word was a brief thanks from me when I left. She wasn't young either - she was old enough to know that you should at least say hello to someone you meet, even if they are on the other side of your checkout. I'm not particularly sure why I share that story. I think she showed me what I want to avoid. I don't want to drag myself through my days, being surly, not enjoying things and not interacting with people. I have been a bit this way lately and the Target lady reflects to me where I could end up if I don't sort things out and make some changes.

I continued my walk through the mall to the station and I decided that I think it would be good to have a 'keep left unless overtaking' rule in the mall, as it is on Main North Road. So many people dawdle along, trundle along, wander along. I'm all for that, just so long as they aren't in front of me. I need to get to the station and stride purposefully to that end so I think an overtaking lane would be very helpful.

I am still struggling on and off with 'mental instability' as I have decided to call it. I'm pretty much all over the shop, is all. My moods aren't very consistent and I spend a bit too much time depressed and angry than I would like. I think there are many things that contribute to this current state, but I think that much of it stems from continued unresolved bits and pieces from lymphoma and chemo. I don't want to just peg everything on that forever and I don't play the lymphoma card lightly but I've thought about it quite a lot and I do believe that the psychological/emotional side-effects are real, valid, complex and difficult. A friend told me today that her husband took about two years to recover from his cancer treatment. In May I'll be one year down, hopefully things get better in the second.

Bra burning? Not quite....

How do you know you have too many activities happening in a week? Probably if you can't find half an hour to put down some sort of thought in a blog, that might be an indication. It's been crazy in the MacGillivray household. Dave and I have had lots of things happening and we have been playing tag a bit. I come home from work just in time for Dave to leave. I go to bed before Dave gets home. Dave comes home the next day and I go out to a meeting. It's not everyday, but it's more than I would like. It's not the greatest and I can't quite work out what needs to go, what we need to cut out of the timetable. Probably need to learn to say no but it's pretty hard.

The main thing I did this week that is connected to lymphoma is that I went into the city and gave a talk for some masters of nursing students, about chemo from the patient's perspective. I tried to prepare a talk that I felt was logical, interesting and had a bit of a structure, rather than just waffle on about stories. It went quite well, but I did read a bit more of it than I would have liked. Dave gave me a hand and bashed out a powerpoint presentation which was good to have. I got some good feedback about it, which was encouraging.

On that same morning I attended an International Women's Day breakfast. I did have to catch a train at 5:39, which was a bit ridiculous, but it was a good breakfast. There were over 2000 people, mostly women, in the convention centre for breakfast. It was a bit strange. Lots of older ladies who probably remember times past when things for women were quite different. There was a physicist who gave the main address. She was fairly interesting and excited about what she does, but I didn't think her talk was brilliant or incredibly inspiring. I still haven't quite worked out what I think about all things womanly or feminist, except to say that I think it's quite complicated. I don't think it is a problem to be solved, but I do feel that it is good for me to think the issues through and make some decisions about where I stand.

Typing a blog: two units

My maternal grandmother died a couple of weeks ago. The news was a little upsetting but not entirely unexpected. She had been in a nursing home for the last couple of years struggling with health issues, including dementia. She was a Christian and is now with her Lord and with grandpa too so it's really for the best. The funeral was good, as far as funerals go, and the time with family afterwards was pleasant.

Since then, I have been thinking more about my own funeral. Not in a morbid 'I'd better organise it all now in case it's soon' type way but more in a '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' type way where it is suggested as a way to help work out how to live your life. If you think about what you want people to remember you for then that information can help shape current choices so that you head that way. It has been a bit helpful, but not really conclusive. The only thing I'm sure of is that I would like to be remembered as a faithful follower of Jesus. Everything else is undecided. It's not important to me that I be remembered for having an impecable home, that much is clear from the current state of our abode. If it was, I'd have a hell of a task ahead of me. I wouldn't mind being remembered for baking abilities but that's a fairly minor issue. It has been making me ponder though, how am I going to spend my days?

I've also been reading a time management book and I find myself in a quandry. I want to make the best of my time. I want to be organised. I want to get everything sorted so that in the end I save time on things and I think it would be helpful in spending my days well and productively BUT... then I wonder if that's all so necessary and I think that if everything is so structured then there's no room for spontaneity. Can movies only be watched when they are timetabled in? Games and times with friends and family only embarked upon at the designated time? There are two extremes and I don't like either end, but this drifting along and getting through by the skin of my teeth that I feel is my current method isn't really working either.

Added to this is my generally low energy level and a high 'I just can't be bothered' level. I'm not sure how much of this is due to small children , how much to lack of good sleep, how much to continued chemo effects or indeed whether its a nasty combo of all of them or something entirely different. At the moment it doesn't matter how much I intend to do or whether I timetable every unit of the day, when it comes down to it half the time I just can't be arsed.

So how about this rain?

Now I've started this new blog, I'm feeling a little sheepish for not having posted anything for over a week. I have a list of jotted down notes and thoughts, scribbled down in pencil on a scrap of paper but I haven't really had time to convert them to typed words suitable for appearance here.

It's been quite a busy time. I've had things on at night, unexpected things to fit in some days and I haven't quite had the space to have enough clear thoughts to string together anything of interest.

It's also difficult to be blogging again because it feels to me a bit like having a conversation with someone you once knew well but haven't seen for some time. There's so much to tell, but where to start? It's awkward and in the end one just discusses the weather for a while....

I mentioned that my lymphoma story has not finished. I am in remission, but that doesn't mean that my life is not impacted by lymphoma anymore. It still is in many ways. I still have to go and see Dr Giri and that is adjacent to the day centre where all my treatment occurred, so there is a reminder there. I was aware of the 30th November as the first anniversary of my first treatment. When it was Maesie's preschool breakup at the end of last year I was reminded of that crazy time the previous year when Elsie ended up in hospital, Maesie spewed during the night and I had my first neutropenic episode which put me in hospital too. I've been remembering good times with Dave as we spent a few times near the city for treatments. About this time last year I was approaching Round 5 out of 8.

I am looking into printing the other blog so that I have a hard copy record of that time, so I have been re-reading it all from the start and through that I have been reminded of times that have already been forgotten, both good and bad. I have also been asked to prepare a talk for nurses doing their masters - giving a bit of a patient's perspective on chemo, treatment and other aspects of the process - so I have been thinking through it all, trying to work out what is important and what I want to say. I haven't decided yet and I am running out of time.

And so it goes

After a time away from blogging I have decided to recommence. These are my reasons:

• There is more to the lymphoma story that I feel should be recorded for the possible benefit of other lymphoma/cancer patients.
• Members of my family may be moving overseas so they'll be able to keep track of things a bit this way.
• I feel I may occasionally have things to say that may get readers thinking, give them a chuckle or be of some comfort/encouragement. I understand that just because the current technology is such that people have a forum to write whatever they like and think that it is of value to the world at large, that does not automatically mean what they write is necessarily of any value. It is here I tread with trepidation because there's a whole lot of 'inter-web' junk and I am hoping this doesn't fall into that category.

So there you go.

I don't anticipate posting very often. Probably once a week at most. But I will maintain honesty and humour throughout.

It's nice to be back.