Farewell 5 kgs

I've been busy again so haven't had time to pause and note anything here. I see that this will only just scrape in for March and bump the contributions for that month to three. I'll try again for once a week in April.

I realised the other day that I haven't made mention of my weight-loss efforts and how that was going. I did end up going to see an exercise physiologist (I may have already mentioned that??) and he gave me some exercises to do and a bit of a plan. I have done the exercises as best I could over the last few weeks but I could never fit them all in every time. The exercises themselves weren't amazing ones that I'd never seen before, he just picked ones to target different muscles. I should go back and see him soon.

For the past couple of months then, I have been doing one or two weights sessions with cardio at the start and in between to keep my heart rate up while doing the other exercises. I only do about an hour a time. I've also been doing one or two classes a week (Step, RPM, Balance) and usually another half hour run or hour walk. As well as that, I have been eating less carbs at dinner time. It has all resulted in a current weight of approximately 70 kg. I'm quite keen to cross the line and have a mass that starts with a 6 but who knows when that will happen. It has taken me a year to lose 5 kg and it's been slow and hard. I don't know how much of that is due to chemo, steroids, still recovering or my already pathetic metabolism but in any case I am glad to have made some progress.

In other matters, my energy is still a bit touch and go but it has been fairly good for the last week. I'm sure I could help myself by going to bed at a decent hour and getting up at the same time everyday but I always end up staying up too late doing bits and pieces. I did survive cooking for a camp on the weekend, which is encouraging. It was a lot of work and I was pretty exhausted but I just took it easy on Monday and I think I'll be okay.

Keep left unless overtaking

Yesterday was Maesie's fifth birthday. As I walked to catch the train home I realised that she's been with us for five years and that means it's been five years since we irreversibly traversed the line into parenthood. That our lives have changed forever since the arrival of that first small offspring. I recalled that she was born at about 10 past 1 in the morning and found it an interesting coincidence that she called out and I got up to her around that same time yesterday. Both girls woke us a number of times that night actually, so we got about as much rest as we had five years ago.

Other than pondering the birthday, I also popped into Target on my way to the train to get a present for Maesie. It wasn't her only present, I'm not that slack, but it was a little additional gift in the light of what had been received from others on Sunday. I made my choice quickly and stood in line for a checkout. When it was my turn I was met by someone who a) had tolerated a difficult day, b) had not done the recommended customer service training, c) didn't want to be there, d) hated her life or e) all of the above. She didn't look at me, didn't utter a word. Scanned my item, scanned my FlyBuys and gave me my receipt at the end. The only word was a brief thanks from me when I left. She wasn't young either - she was old enough to know that you should at least say hello to someone you meet, even if they are on the other side of your checkout. I'm not particularly sure why I share that story. I think she showed me what I want to avoid. I don't want to drag myself through my days, being surly, not enjoying things and not interacting with people. I have been a bit this way lately and the Target lady reflects to me where I could end up if I don't sort things out and make some changes.

I continued my walk through the mall to the station and I decided that I think it would be good to have a 'keep left unless overtaking' rule in the mall, as it is on Main North Road. So many people dawdle along, trundle along, wander along. I'm all for that, just so long as they aren't in front of me. I need to get to the station and stride purposefully to that end so I think an overtaking lane would be very helpful.

I am still struggling on and off with 'mental instability' as I have decided to call it. I'm pretty much all over the shop, is all. My moods aren't very consistent and I spend a bit too much time depressed and angry than I would like. I think there are many things that contribute to this current state, but I think that much of it stems from continued unresolved bits and pieces from lymphoma and chemo. I don't want to just peg everything on that forever and I don't play the lymphoma card lightly but I've thought about it quite a lot and I do believe that the psychological/emotional side-effects are real, valid, complex and difficult. A friend told me today that her husband took about two years to recover from his cancer treatment. In May I'll be one year down, hopefully things get better in the second.

Bra burning? Not quite....

How do you know you have too many activities happening in a week? Probably if you can't find half an hour to put down some sort of thought in a blog, that might be an indication. It's been crazy in the MacGillivray household. Dave and I have had lots of things happening and we have been playing tag a bit. I come home from work just in time for Dave to leave. I go to bed before Dave gets home. Dave comes home the next day and I go out to a meeting. It's not everyday, but it's more than I would like. It's not the greatest and I can't quite work out what needs to go, what we need to cut out of the timetable. Probably need to learn to say no but it's pretty hard.

The main thing I did this week that is connected to lymphoma is that I went into the city and gave a talk for some masters of nursing students, about chemo from the patient's perspective. I tried to prepare a talk that I felt was logical, interesting and had a bit of a structure, rather than just waffle on about stories. It went quite well, but I did read a bit more of it than I would have liked. Dave gave me a hand and bashed out a powerpoint presentation which was good to have. I got some good feedback about it, which was encouraging.

On that same morning I attended an International Women's Day breakfast. I did have to catch a train at 5:39, which was a bit ridiculous, but it was a good breakfast. There were over 2000 people, mostly women, in the convention centre for breakfast. It was a bit strange. Lots of older ladies who probably remember times past when things for women were quite different. There was a physicist who gave the main address. She was fairly interesting and excited about what she does, but I didn't think her talk was brilliant or incredibly inspiring. I still haven't quite worked out what I think about all things womanly or feminist, except to say that I think it's quite complicated. I don't think it is a problem to be solved, but I do feel that it is good for me to think the issues through and make some decisions about where I stand.

Typing a blog: two units

My maternal grandmother died a couple of weeks ago. The news was a little upsetting but not entirely unexpected. She had been in a nursing home for the last couple of years struggling with health issues, including dementia. She was a Christian and is now with her Lord and with grandpa too so it's really for the best. The funeral was good, as far as funerals go, and the time with family afterwards was pleasant.

Since then, I have been thinking more about my own funeral. Not in a morbid 'I'd better organise it all now in case it's soon' type way but more in a '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' type way where it is suggested as a way to help work out how to live your life. If you think about what you want people to remember you for then that information can help shape current choices so that you head that way. It has been a bit helpful, but not really conclusive. The only thing I'm sure of is that I would like to be remembered as a faithful follower of Jesus. Everything else is undecided. It's not important to me that I be remembered for having an impecable home, that much is clear from the current state of our abode. If it was, I'd have a hell of a task ahead of me. I wouldn't mind being remembered for baking abilities but that's a fairly minor issue. It has been making me ponder though, how am I going to spend my days?

I've also been reading a time management book and I find myself in a quandry. I want to make the best of my time. I want to be organised. I want to get everything sorted so that in the end I save time on things and I think it would be helpful in spending my days well and productively BUT... then I wonder if that's all so necessary and I think that if everything is so structured then there's no room for spontaneity. Can movies only be watched when they are timetabled in? Games and times with friends and family only embarked upon at the designated time? There are two extremes and I don't like either end, but this drifting along and getting through by the skin of my teeth that I feel is my current method isn't really working either.

Added to this is my generally low energy level and a high 'I just can't be bothered' level. I'm not sure how much of this is due to small children , how much to lack of good sleep, how much to continued chemo effects or indeed whether its a nasty combo of all of them or something entirely different. At the moment it doesn't matter how much I intend to do or whether I timetable every unit of the day, when it comes down to it half the time I just can't be arsed.

So how about this rain?

Now I've started this new blog, I'm feeling a little sheepish for not having posted anything for over a week. I have a list of jotted down notes and thoughts, scribbled down in pencil on a scrap of paper but I haven't really had time to convert them to typed words suitable for appearance here.

It's been quite a busy time. I've had things on at night, unexpected things to fit in some days and I haven't quite had the space to have enough clear thoughts to string together anything of interest.

It's also difficult to be blogging again because it feels to me a bit like having a conversation with someone you once knew well but haven't seen for some time. There's so much to tell, but where to start? It's awkward and in the end one just discusses the weather for a while....

I mentioned that my lymphoma story has not finished. I am in remission, but that doesn't mean that my life is not impacted by lymphoma anymore. It still is in many ways. I still have to go and see Dr Giri and that is adjacent to the day centre where all my treatment occurred, so there is a reminder there. I was aware of the 30th November as the first anniversary of my first treatment. When it was Maesie's preschool breakup at the end of last year I was reminded of that crazy time the previous year when Elsie ended up in hospital, Maesie spewed during the night and I had my first neutropenic episode which put me in hospital too. I've been remembering good times with Dave as we spent a few times near the city for treatments. About this time last year I was approaching Round 5 out of 8.

I am looking into printing the other blog so that I have a hard copy record of that time, so I have been re-reading it all from the start and through that I have been reminded of times that have already been forgotten, both good and bad. I have also been asked to prepare a talk for nurses doing their masters - giving a bit of a patient's perspective on chemo, treatment and other aspects of the process - so I have been thinking through it all, trying to work out what is important and what I want to say. I haven't decided yet and I am running out of time.

And so it goes

After a time away from blogging I have decided to recommence. These are my reasons:

• There is more to the lymphoma story that I feel should be recorded for the possible benefit of other lymphoma/cancer patients.
• Members of my family may be moving overseas so they'll be able to keep track of things a bit this way.
• I feel I may occasionally have things to say that may get readers thinking, give them a chuckle or be of some comfort/encouragement. I understand that just because the current technology is such that people have a forum to write whatever they like and think that it is of value to the world at large, that does not automatically mean what they write is necessarily of any value. It is here I tread with trepidation because there's a whole lot of 'inter-web' junk and I am hoping this doesn't fall into that category.

So there you go.

I don't anticipate posting very often. Probably once a week at most. But I will maintain honesty and humour throughout.

It's nice to be back.