Obla-di obla-da life goes on...

The results of my blood test are consistent with ovarian failure. The chemo has screwed them up. So that means I'm experiencing early menopause. It's not nice. I don't have too many horrid symptoms but the hot flushes are pretty crap. I'm going to see my GP tomorrow to find out a bit more and see what, if anything, can be done.

I haven't really been thinking about it too much, but when I do pause to reflect I (as is often the case) am divided. On one hand, I don't mind. I have two children, I have reproduced. The ovaries have served their purpose. Their demise is just another part of the strange land of lymphoma I never planned to live in. On the other, however, I mourn the loss of those tiny kidney shaped organs. There was a possibility we may have attempted a third child but that is no longer an option. My body is letting me down again and it's sad and annoying.

I have read some forums and reports of people who go through a period of ovarian failure but then they somehow right themselves and start to function again. It's early days, so we shall see what happens in my case.

Other than that, I intend to run the corporate cup tomorrow. The last corporate cup run I remember doing was mid September 2009 and I had a wonky turn after it - it was an indication that all was not well and I went to the doctors. I'm not sure if I did any more corporate cup runs after that, it's all a bit of a blur. Six weeks later I was diagnosed.

Anyway, life does indeed go on.

Hot flushes

I've been to see Dr Giri again for yet another check-up. I should just get used to it because they're not going to end anytime soon.

My blood test was all clear and normal, so that was nice. I did have something to ask him about though....I've been having hot flushes and wondered what it might be. He told me that it may be due to ovarian failure causing early onset menopause. Excellent. I did know that there was a chance that may happen but hadn't thought much about it. I definitely hadn't thought of actually experiencing hot flushes. I've had nanna-ish tendencies for a long time and this may be just another example of how that plays out physically.

Dr Giri sent me off to get a blood test and I'm waiting to find out what the result shows. I don't think I'm too fussed, I just would like to know what's going on. I would like to not have hot flushes though, because they are pretty annoying.

I don't think about my treatment much but when I was heading up to level 7 of the east wing the other day I realised how familiar and habitual it felt. I had to go up there a lot and it's not good to have to go into a hospital that much, unless you work there. Even though things have moved along and life has mostly found a new normal, that time and its wider repercussions still hang close to me.

Other than health issues, things have been trundling along in our household. It was my birthday yesterday and I had a lovely day. We enjoyed a tasty family brunchy/lunchy deliciousness and then then girls stayed overnight with Dave's sister while we went to the cinema, had dinner together, slept without interruption and had a peaceful breakfast.

The verdict

It's been a long time coming but the latest news is that the 'most likely' from the last post was spot on.

I saw Dr Giri on June 3rd and he told me the scan came back with everything the same size and my blood results were 'perfect'. I was quite relieved. The next scan is in a year's time but I'll have a blood test and see the doctor in a couple of months.

Generally I feel well and mostly have enough energy. I still occasionally get days of fatigue but it is not as bad now. Whereas before I could hardly get off the couch on the worst days, now I can function through the day but it's really hard work to just do the basics such as get breakfast ready.

Most things in my body are back to the way they were. My weight has just snuck under 70kgs, a few armpit hairs have returned and the only thing that's still a bit strange are my eyes which sting and are itchy more than they used to be.

I have started training for the City to Bay and hope to finish the 12k run in 72 minutes this year, we'll see how it goes because I'm not sure I'll be able to haul myself out of bed for training when it's so cold.

I'm cooking for a uni conference next week and am looking forward to a few days away busting my guts in a kitchen for a change. Other than that, our family has been pretty busy and we just try to keep our heads above water.

What's the worst that could happen?

I had a CT scan on Sunday and is commonly the case, I have been in two minds about the whole thing.

On the one hand, I am fine about having a scan. I don't mind drinking the barium solution anymore, I know what's going to happen in the test and it doesn't worry me. Half the time I am also not too worried about the outcome of the scan. Whatever is going on in there, I can't do anything to change it, so I'm not stressing about it.

But.....I am very aware of every little niggle and twinge I feel inside, wondering if it's something normal or something sinister. These thoughts serve a purpose because if Dr Giri gives me some less than favourable news, I will be partly prepared. Even with these occasional thoughts, I am not freaking out. I am not letting myself get carried away by the worry.

As my psychologist once asked me about worries - "What's the worst that could happen?"

Ummm, I could die a long and painful death. The long and painful part would be crap, but is not insurmountable and the death would be sad but heaven would make it all okay. I'm not keen for things to go this way, but I'm preparing myself just in case.

The rest of the exercise is "What's the best that could happen?" followed by "What's most likely?"

The best would be that Dr Giri says with 100% certainty that I'll never get anything related to lymphoma for the rest of my life and that I never have to have another scan or visit him. Not that I don't like Dr Giri, but if I never had to have another appointment again, I wouldn't miss him.

Most likely - there's no change and everything is okay and I'll just have to revisit it all again in another three months.

And with that, the worry is supposed to be dealt with and not cause any further distress......

Happy anniversary!

I have been struggling to get to post a blog, but also struggling to think of things that are worth putting in. A friend of mine summed it up well by telling me it's not as interesting as the other blog because I'm not dying anymore. There is definitely an element of that. I also don't have as much to record for myself so it just doesn't get done. Another significant factor is that I spend much less time zonked on the couch these days, which is good news.

There have been a couple of milestones lately though which are worth recording. On May 4th I celebrated the one year anniversary of my last IV treatment. To mark the occasion Dave and I had Lemon Delicious for dessert, something we had a bit too much of during treatment days. It was extra special because it was made with the first lemon from our tree. Still as tasty as ever. On May 10th it was the one year anniversary of my last pills. So it's been a full year since I finished treatment. I am feeling pretty good. I rarely have days where I struggle with fatigue now and when I do it is a bit easier to push through and keep up with normal activities.

I am scheduled to have a CT scan on 22nd May and then see Dr Giri in early June. I'm not nervous about it. I can't change whatever the result is so I'll just wait and see. I do hope that they find nothing untoward but if there is something I'll just take it as it comes.

I've been spending time at OzWater conference this week. It's an annual conference organised by the Australian Water Association. I learnt quite a bit, ate some good food, caught up with a few people, got a couple of free pens. It's all a bit crazy though and I'm not entirely sure where I fit in this industry/profession of mine. There were people in suits everywhere and people talking on mobile phones everywhere. I'm fairly sure I don't care enough to dress-up everyday and spend ages on my mobile as if things will fall apart without me. I enjoyed the conference and I always enjoy learning things and listening to presentations but I don't think the high-flying corporate world is for me.

Tomorrow I will be remembering and farewelling a man who taught me a great deal. It's my Grandad's funeral in the afternoon - he died on Saturday after struggling with his failing health for quite a while. It's extra sad for me because he was my last grandparent. There was a time when one of my greatest fears was for one of them to die and now all four are no longer with us.

I looked up the notice about Grandad in the paper and near it there was almost a whole column taken up for a girl who had died and she was 19. I'm fairly sure it said she had lymphoma. I didn't dwell on it for long but I did have the thought that I was glad my name was not in there yet. But I was sad for her family because it's really crap when someone dies.

Weekly?

My resolve to attempt to post once a week was evidently weak as it is nearing the end of April and this is only my second post. My most recent excuse could be that I have been away camping over Easter and so did not have access to technology however that would be a lie because there were a number of internet enabled phones and computers that I could have used during our time away.

It is probably better that I didn't post anything during 'The Village Easter Camping Trip' because I think it is probably wise of me to let time do some healing. Not that it was too traumatic, but it's best to have a few moments to reflect on the days passed before they're mentioned here.

Other than the camping trip, my time has been consumed by normal life activities. A few days at work, a few at home, a 60th birthday dinner, a 60th birthday party, school open day, a 2nd birthday party, a quiz night (we came 2nd), lunch with friends, preparing for camping and there goes a few weeks.

I have been thinking about this blog and why it seems different from the initial one. The focus is different because I no longer have treatment but I didn't think that would change it as much as it has. I haven't had as much time to observe random strangers so there aren't as many tales of interesting people crossing my path. I have also picked up the general pace of life, in comparison to last year and that squeezes out time for thinking and writing. The focus of my health is no longer there and that means I need to think harder about what to write and how to avoid dribbling rubbish into the ether of the internet.

12th April and all's well

I got some mail the other day from the Leukaemia Foundation and one of the items was the 'Lymphoma news' or whatever it's called. It had a few stories of patients, some new research, news about events etc. I read it all and I did start thinking again about whether or not to get more involved with the foundation. I think I have decided not to add it to my list of things to pursue. I want to keep getting the info in the mail and I'll still go along to a few things here or there, but I don't want to get much more involved.

Things have been going fairly well with the Macs of Gawler. Maesie has almost finished her first term of school and at parent teacher interviews this afternoon, her teacher had no concerns to tell us about. Maesie has been going very well and now tries to read whatever she can see on signs, boxes, posters and buildings. Elsie remains small and pixie-like. She likes running and jumping, playing with 'her babies', 'writing' and singing. She is hardly quiet when she's with people she's comfortable with but when there's someone different she hardly says a peep. She will be three in a couple of months so she is practicing being bossy and throwing tantrums.

Dave has had quite a good term. His days as Chaplain have been enjoyable and he's done a number of good talks that the kids have enjoyed, remembered and been challenged by. He has settled in well at a new campus and has liked interacting with some younger kids, not just senior school. We've been going to the Parish of Gawler and although it's been different, it's just another group of God's people and so in that way, not much has changed.

The seasons are changing and I should be planting my snow peas soon, and any other random seeds that are supposed to be planted now. I hope I haven't missed my chance. The chickens are free through that part of the yard though at the moment so they will scratch up anything I put in. We need to rig up some sort of protection but that could take ages. Maybe I won't have any veg this time..... I have crazy beans at the moment. They are purple but when you cook them, they turn green! Amazing.

There's nothing to report on the health front - all fine.