I had a CT scan on Sunday and is commonly the case, I have been in two minds about the whole thing.
On the one hand, I am fine about having a scan. I don't mind drinking the barium solution anymore, I know what's going to happen in the test and it doesn't worry me. Half the time I am also not too worried about the outcome of the scan. Whatever is going on in there, I can't do anything to change it, so I'm not stressing about it.
But.....I am very aware of every little niggle and twinge I feel inside, wondering if it's something normal or something sinister. These thoughts serve a purpose because if Dr Giri gives me some less than favourable news, I will be partly prepared. Even with these occasional thoughts, I am not freaking out. I am not letting myself get carried away by the worry.
As my psychologist once asked me about worries - "What's the worst that could happen?"
Ummm, I could die a long and painful death. The long and painful part would be crap, but is not insurmountable and the death would be sad but heaven would make it all okay. I'm not keen for things to go this way, but I'm preparing myself just in case.
The rest of the exercise is "What's the best that could happen?" followed by "What's most likely?"
The best would be that Dr Giri says with 100% certainty that I'll never get anything related to lymphoma for the rest of my life and that I never have to have another scan or visit him. Not that I don't like Dr Giri, but if I never had to have another appointment again, I wouldn't miss him.
Most likely - there's no change and everything is okay and I'll just have to revisit it all again in another three months.
And with that, the worry is supposed to be dealt with and not cause any further distress......
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Happy anniversary!
I have been struggling to get to post a blog, but also struggling to think of things that are worth putting in. A friend of mine summed it up well by telling me it's not as interesting as the other blog because I'm not dying anymore. There is definitely an element of that. I also don't have as much to record for myself so it just doesn't get done. Another significant factor is that I spend much less time zonked on the couch these days, which is good news.
There have been a couple of milestones lately though which are worth recording. On May 4th I celebrated the one year anniversary of my last IV treatment. To mark the occasion Dave and I had Lemon Delicious for dessert, something we had a bit too much of during treatment days. It was extra special because it was made with the first lemon from our tree. Still as tasty as ever. On May 10th it was the one year anniversary of my last pills. So it's been a full year since I finished treatment. I am feeling pretty good. I rarely have days where I struggle with fatigue now and when I do it is a bit easier to push through and keep up with normal activities.
I am scheduled to have a CT scan on 22nd May and then see Dr Giri in early June. I'm not nervous about it. I can't change whatever the result is so I'll just wait and see. I do hope that they find nothing untoward but if there is something I'll just take it as it comes.
I've been spending time at OzWater conference this week. It's an annual conference organised by the Australian Water Association. I learnt quite a bit, ate some good food, caught up with a few people, got a couple of free pens. It's all a bit crazy though and I'm not entirely sure where I fit in this industry/profession of mine. There were people in suits everywhere and people talking on mobile phones everywhere. I'm fairly sure I don't care enough to dress-up everyday and spend ages on my mobile as if things will fall apart without me. I enjoyed the conference and I always enjoy learning things and listening to presentations but I don't think the high-flying corporate world is for me.
Tomorrow I will be remembering and farewelling a man who taught me a great deal. It's my Grandad's funeral in the afternoon - he died on Saturday after struggling with his failing health for quite a while. It's extra sad for me because he was my last grandparent. There was a time when one of my greatest fears was for one of them to die and now all four are no longer with us.
I looked up the notice about Grandad in the paper and near it there was almost a whole column taken up for a girl who had died and she was 19. I'm fairly sure it said she had lymphoma. I didn't dwell on it for long but I did have the thought that I was glad my name was not in there yet. But I was sad for her family because it's really crap when someone dies.
There have been a couple of milestones lately though which are worth recording. On May 4th I celebrated the one year anniversary of my last IV treatment. To mark the occasion Dave and I had Lemon Delicious for dessert, something we had a bit too much of during treatment days. It was extra special because it was made with the first lemon from our tree. Still as tasty as ever. On May 10th it was the one year anniversary of my last pills. So it's been a full year since I finished treatment. I am feeling pretty good. I rarely have days where I struggle with fatigue now and when I do it is a bit easier to push through and keep up with normal activities.
I am scheduled to have a CT scan on 22nd May and then see Dr Giri in early June. I'm not nervous about it. I can't change whatever the result is so I'll just wait and see. I do hope that they find nothing untoward but if there is something I'll just take it as it comes.
I've been spending time at OzWater conference this week. It's an annual conference organised by the Australian Water Association. I learnt quite a bit, ate some good food, caught up with a few people, got a couple of free pens. It's all a bit crazy though and I'm not entirely sure where I fit in this industry/profession of mine. There were people in suits everywhere and people talking on mobile phones everywhere. I'm fairly sure I don't care enough to dress-up everyday and spend ages on my mobile as if things will fall apart without me. I enjoyed the conference and I always enjoy learning things and listening to presentations but I don't think the high-flying corporate world is for me.
Tomorrow I will be remembering and farewelling a man who taught me a great deal. It's my Grandad's funeral in the afternoon - he died on Saturday after struggling with his failing health for quite a while. It's extra sad for me because he was my last grandparent. There was a time when one of my greatest fears was for one of them to die and now all four are no longer with us.
I looked up the notice about Grandad in the paper and near it there was almost a whole column taken up for a girl who had died and she was 19. I'm fairly sure it said she had lymphoma. I didn't dwell on it for long but I did have the thought that I was glad my name was not in there yet. But I was sad for her family because it's really crap when someone dies.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Weekly?
My resolve to attempt to post once a week was evidently weak as it is nearing the end of April and this is only my second post. My most recent excuse could be that I have been away camping over Easter and so did not have access to technology however that would be a lie because there were a number of internet enabled phones and computers that I could have used during our time away.
It is probably better that I didn't post anything during 'The Village Easter Camping Trip' because I think it is probably wise of me to let time do some healing. Not that it was too traumatic, but it's best to have a few moments to reflect on the days passed before they're mentioned here.
Other than the camping trip, my time has been consumed by normal life activities. A few days at work, a few at home, a 60th birthday dinner, a 60th birthday party, school open day, a 2nd birthday party, a quiz night (we came 2nd), lunch with friends, preparing for camping and there goes a few weeks.
I have been thinking about this blog and why it seems different from the initial one. The focus is different because I no longer have treatment but I didn't think that would change it as much as it has. I haven't had as much time to observe random strangers so there aren't as many tales of interesting people crossing my path. I have also picked up the general pace of life, in comparison to last year and that squeezes out time for thinking and writing. The focus of my health is no longer there and that means I need to think harder about what to write and how to avoid dribbling rubbish into the ether of the internet.
It is probably better that I didn't post anything during 'The Village Easter Camping Trip' because I think it is probably wise of me to let time do some healing. Not that it was too traumatic, but it's best to have a few moments to reflect on the days passed before they're mentioned here.
Other than the camping trip, my time has been consumed by normal life activities. A few days at work, a few at home, a 60th birthday dinner, a 60th birthday party, school open day, a 2nd birthday party, a quiz night (we came 2nd), lunch with friends, preparing for camping and there goes a few weeks.
I have been thinking about this blog and why it seems different from the initial one. The focus is different because I no longer have treatment but I didn't think that would change it as much as it has. I haven't had as much time to observe random strangers so there aren't as many tales of interesting people crossing my path. I have also picked up the general pace of life, in comparison to last year and that squeezes out time for thinking and writing. The focus of my health is no longer there and that means I need to think harder about what to write and how to avoid dribbling rubbish into the ether of the internet.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
12th April and all's well
I got some mail the other day from the Leukaemia Foundation and one of the items was the 'Lymphoma news' or whatever it's called. It had a few stories of patients, some new research, news about events etc. I read it all and I did start thinking again about whether or not to get more involved with the foundation. I think I have decided not to add it to my list of things to pursue. I want to keep getting the info in the mail and I'll still go along to a few things here or there, but I don't want to get much more involved.
Things have been going fairly well with the Macs of Gawler. Maesie has almost finished her first term of school and at parent teacher interviews this afternoon, her teacher had no concerns to tell us about. Maesie has been going very well and now tries to read whatever she can see on signs, boxes, posters and buildings. Elsie remains small and pixie-like. She likes running and jumping, playing with 'her babies', 'writing' and singing. She is hardly quiet when she's with people she's comfortable with but when there's someone different she hardly says a peep. She will be three in a couple of months so she is practicing being bossy and throwing tantrums.
Dave has had quite a good term. His days as Chaplain have been enjoyable and he's done a number of good talks that the kids have enjoyed, remembered and been challenged by. He has settled in well at a new campus and has liked interacting with some younger kids, not just senior school. We've been going to the Parish of Gawler and although it's been different, it's just another group of God's people and so in that way, not much has changed.
The seasons are changing and I should be planting my snow peas soon, and any other random seeds that are supposed to be planted now. I hope I haven't missed my chance. The chickens are free through that part of the yard though at the moment so they will scratch up anything I put in. We need to rig up some sort of protection but that could take ages. Maybe I won't have any veg this time..... I have crazy beans at the moment. They are purple but when you cook them, they turn green! Amazing.
There's nothing to report on the health front - all fine.
Things have been going fairly well with the Macs of Gawler. Maesie has almost finished her first term of school and at parent teacher interviews this afternoon, her teacher had no concerns to tell us about. Maesie has been going very well and now tries to read whatever she can see on signs, boxes, posters and buildings. Elsie remains small and pixie-like. She likes running and jumping, playing with 'her babies', 'writing' and singing. She is hardly quiet when she's with people she's comfortable with but when there's someone different she hardly says a peep. She will be three in a couple of months so she is practicing being bossy and throwing tantrums.
Dave has had quite a good term. His days as Chaplain have been enjoyable and he's done a number of good talks that the kids have enjoyed, remembered and been challenged by. He has settled in well at a new campus and has liked interacting with some younger kids, not just senior school. We've been going to the Parish of Gawler and although it's been different, it's just another group of God's people and so in that way, not much has changed.
The seasons are changing and I should be planting my snow peas soon, and any other random seeds that are supposed to be planted now. I hope I haven't missed my chance. The chickens are free through that part of the yard though at the moment so they will scratch up anything I put in. We need to rig up some sort of protection but that could take ages. Maybe I won't have any veg this time..... I have crazy beans at the moment. They are purple but when you cook them, they turn green! Amazing.
There's nothing to report on the health front - all fine.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Farewell 5 kgs
I've been busy again so haven't had time to pause and note anything here. I see that this will only just scrape in for March and bump the contributions for that month to three. I'll try again for once a week in April.
I realised the other day that I haven't made mention of my weight-loss efforts and how that was going. I did end up going to see an exercise physiologist (I may have already mentioned that??) and he gave me some exercises to do and a bit of a plan. I have done the exercises as best I could over the last few weeks but I could never fit them all in every time. The exercises themselves weren't amazing ones that I'd never seen before, he just picked ones to target different muscles. I should go back and see him soon.
For the past couple of months then, I have been doing one or two weights sessions with cardio at the start and in between to keep my heart rate up while doing the other exercises. I only do about an hour a time. I've also been doing one or two classes a week (Step, RPM, Balance) and usually another half hour run or hour walk. As well as that, I have been eating less carbs at dinner time. It has all resulted in a current weight of approximately 70 kg. I'm quite keen to cross the line and have a mass that starts with a 6 but who knows when that will happen. It has taken me a year to lose 5 kg and it's been slow and hard. I don't know how much of that is due to chemo, steroids, still recovering or my already pathetic metabolism but in any case I am glad to have made some progress.
In other matters, my energy is still a bit touch and go but it has been fairly good for the last week. I'm sure I could help myself by going to bed at a decent hour and getting up at the same time everyday but I always end up staying up too late doing bits and pieces. I did survive cooking for a camp on the weekend, which is encouraging. It was a lot of work and I was pretty exhausted but I just took it easy on Monday and I think I'll be okay.
I realised the other day that I haven't made mention of my weight-loss efforts and how that was going. I did end up going to see an exercise physiologist (I may have already mentioned that??) and he gave me some exercises to do and a bit of a plan. I have done the exercises as best I could over the last few weeks but I could never fit them all in every time. The exercises themselves weren't amazing ones that I'd never seen before, he just picked ones to target different muscles. I should go back and see him soon.
For the past couple of months then, I have been doing one or two weights sessions with cardio at the start and in between to keep my heart rate up while doing the other exercises. I only do about an hour a time. I've also been doing one or two classes a week (Step, RPM, Balance) and usually another half hour run or hour walk. As well as that, I have been eating less carbs at dinner time. It has all resulted in a current weight of approximately 70 kg. I'm quite keen to cross the line and have a mass that starts with a 6 but who knows when that will happen. It has taken me a year to lose 5 kg and it's been slow and hard. I don't know how much of that is due to chemo, steroids, still recovering or my already pathetic metabolism but in any case I am glad to have made some progress.
In other matters, my energy is still a bit touch and go but it has been fairly good for the last week. I'm sure I could help myself by going to bed at a decent hour and getting up at the same time everyday but I always end up staying up too late doing bits and pieces. I did survive cooking for a camp on the weekend, which is encouraging. It was a lot of work and I was pretty exhausted but I just took it easy on Monday and I think I'll be okay.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Keep left unless overtaking
Yesterday was Maesie's fifth birthday. As I walked to catch the train home I realised that she's been with us for five years and that means it's been five years since we irreversibly traversed the line into parenthood. That our lives have changed forever since the arrival of that first small offspring. I recalled that she was born at about 10 past 1 in the morning and found it an interesting coincidence that she called out and I got up to her around that same time yesterday. Both girls woke us a number of times that night actually, so we got about as much rest as we had five years ago.
Other than pondering the birthday, I also popped into Target on my way to the train to get a present for Maesie. It wasn't her only present, I'm not that slack, but it was a little additional gift in the light of what had been received from others on Sunday. I made my choice quickly and stood in line for a checkout. When it was my turn I was met by someone who a) had tolerated a difficult day, b) had not done the recommended customer service training, c) didn't want to be there, d) hated her life or e) all of the above. She didn't look at me, didn't utter a word. Scanned my item, scanned my FlyBuys and gave me my receipt at the end. The only word was a brief thanks from me when I left. She wasn't young either - she was old enough to know that you should at least say hello to someone you meet, even if they are on the other side of your checkout. I'm not particularly sure why I share that story. I think she showed me what I want to avoid. I don't want to drag myself through my days, being surly, not enjoying things and not interacting with people. I have been a bit this way lately and the Target lady reflects to me where I could end up if I don't sort things out and make some changes.
I continued my walk through the mall to the station and I decided that I think it would be good to have a 'keep left unless overtaking' rule in the mall, as it is on Main North Road. So many people dawdle along, trundle along, wander along. I'm all for that, just so long as they aren't in front of me. I need to get to the station and stride purposefully to that end so I think an overtaking lane would be very helpful.
I am still struggling on and off with 'mental instability' as I have decided to call it. I'm pretty much all over the shop, is all. My moods aren't very consistent and I spend a bit too much time depressed and angry than I would like. I think there are many things that contribute to this current state, but I think that much of it stems from continued unresolved bits and pieces from lymphoma and chemo. I don't want to just peg everything on that forever and I don't play the lymphoma card lightly but I've thought about it quite a lot and I do believe that the psychological/emotional side-effects are real, valid, complex and difficult. A friend told me today that her husband took about two years to recover from his cancer treatment. In May I'll be one year down, hopefully things get better in the second.
Other than pondering the birthday, I also popped into Target on my way to the train to get a present for Maesie. It wasn't her only present, I'm not that slack, but it was a little additional gift in the light of what had been received from others on Sunday. I made my choice quickly and stood in line for a checkout. When it was my turn I was met by someone who a) had tolerated a difficult day, b) had not done the recommended customer service training, c) didn't want to be there, d) hated her life or e) all of the above. She didn't look at me, didn't utter a word. Scanned my item, scanned my FlyBuys and gave me my receipt at the end. The only word was a brief thanks from me when I left. She wasn't young either - she was old enough to know that you should at least say hello to someone you meet, even if they are on the other side of your checkout. I'm not particularly sure why I share that story. I think she showed me what I want to avoid. I don't want to drag myself through my days, being surly, not enjoying things and not interacting with people. I have been a bit this way lately and the Target lady reflects to me where I could end up if I don't sort things out and make some changes.
I continued my walk through the mall to the station and I decided that I think it would be good to have a 'keep left unless overtaking' rule in the mall, as it is on Main North Road. So many people dawdle along, trundle along, wander along. I'm all for that, just so long as they aren't in front of me. I need to get to the station and stride purposefully to that end so I think an overtaking lane would be very helpful.
I am still struggling on and off with 'mental instability' as I have decided to call it. I'm pretty much all over the shop, is all. My moods aren't very consistent and I spend a bit too much time depressed and angry than I would like. I think there are many things that contribute to this current state, but I think that much of it stems from continued unresolved bits and pieces from lymphoma and chemo. I don't want to just peg everything on that forever and I don't play the lymphoma card lightly but I've thought about it quite a lot and I do believe that the psychological/emotional side-effects are real, valid, complex and difficult. A friend told me today that her husband took about two years to recover from his cancer treatment. In May I'll be one year down, hopefully things get better in the second.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Bra burning? Not quite....
How do you know you have too many activities happening in a week? Probably if you can't find half an hour to put down some sort of thought in a blog, that might be an indication. It's been crazy in the MacGillivray household. Dave and I have had lots of things happening and we have been playing tag a bit. I come home from work just in time for Dave to leave. I go to bed before Dave gets home. Dave comes home the next day and I go out to a meeting. It's not everyday, but it's more than I would like. It's not the greatest and I can't quite work out what needs to go, what we need to cut out of the timetable. Probably need to learn to say no but it's pretty hard.
The main thing I did this week that is connected to lymphoma is that I went into the city and gave a talk for some masters of nursing students, about chemo from the patient's perspective. I tried to prepare a talk that I felt was logical, interesting and had a bit of a structure, rather than just waffle on about stories. It went quite well, but I did read a bit more of it than I would have liked. Dave gave me a hand and bashed out a powerpoint presentation which was good to have. I got some good feedback about it, which was encouraging.
On that same morning I attended an International Women's Day breakfast. I did have to catch a train at 5:39, which was a bit ridiculous, but it was a good breakfast. There were over 2000 people, mostly women, in the convention centre for breakfast. It was a bit strange. Lots of older ladies who probably remember times past when things for women were quite different. There was a physicist who gave the main address. She was fairly interesting and excited about what she does, but I didn't think her talk was brilliant or incredibly inspiring. I still haven't quite worked out what I think about all things womanly or feminist, except to say that I think it's quite complicated. I don't think it is a problem to be solved, but I do feel that it is good for me to think the issues through and make some decisions about where I stand.
The main thing I did this week that is connected to lymphoma is that I went into the city and gave a talk for some masters of nursing students, about chemo from the patient's perspective. I tried to prepare a talk that I felt was logical, interesting and had a bit of a structure, rather than just waffle on about stories. It went quite well, but I did read a bit more of it than I would have liked. Dave gave me a hand and bashed out a powerpoint presentation which was good to have. I got some good feedback about it, which was encouraging.
On that same morning I attended an International Women's Day breakfast. I did have to catch a train at 5:39, which was a bit ridiculous, but it was a good breakfast. There were over 2000 people, mostly women, in the convention centre for breakfast. It was a bit strange. Lots of older ladies who probably remember times past when things for women were quite different. There was a physicist who gave the main address. She was fairly interesting and excited about what she does, but I didn't think her talk was brilliant or incredibly inspiring. I still haven't quite worked out what I think about all things womanly or feminist, except to say that I think it's quite complicated. I don't think it is a problem to be solved, but I do feel that it is good for me to think the issues through and make some decisions about where I stand.
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